Real Housewives Recap

Okay so generally I don’t have guilty pleasures. I’m not ashamed of the things I like. But I would classify Real Housewives as my guilty pleasure. These women are awful and they are awful to each other and I cannot stop watching. I mainly blame Dakota Cassidy and Mark Henry for getting me back watching the New Jersey housewives and I’m addicted again. But I have always loved the Beverly Hills show.

This season has been so packed with drama I really don’t know if I’d think it was worth the money to be on this show if I were any of these women. Taylor continues to drink too much and be inappropriate, taking every opportunity to gossip about Brandi and pout as she looks off into space. Her laughter is too bright and brittle and while I dislike her intensely, I feel bad for her. She’s unraveling on the screen and Bravo is serving it up with a spoon.

My favorite housewife is Lisa. OMG I adore her. The thing is, she’s outrageous, but totally herself about it. She’s not out there smiling and talking shit behind your back (KYLE), she says it to your face. I like and respect that. She’s also got a fabulous sense of style, she works hard and I love her husband, Ken too. I love that she and Brandi have struck up a friendship and I really love how Lisa is a positive mentor and role model instead of being jealous of Brandi and being a mean girl like the others do. I also like Brandi. She’s not as practiced as the rest, not as calculating for public sympathy and camera time the way some of the others are. I find it refreshing. She’s also more honest and flawed and wiling to admit it.

I am not unbiased (really, for very little in life am I unbiased) – so I just thought I’d say that up front before I recap last night’s episode. If you haven’t watched it and you don’t want to be spoiled, stop reading now.

Okay so last week Kyle gave her daughter a ridiculously expensive car and said it was Mauricio’s idea. Whatever. Her daughter is quite lovely and despite a few annoyances, I tend to like Mauricio too. Kyle is another story. Yet again she stirs the pot and asks Brandi what the deal is between her and Adrienne at a luncheon.

*an aside* I think Brandi desperately wants these women to like her. And so she wants them to hear her side of the story so they can understand. But with the exception of Lisa, they’re not her friends and she needs to listen to Lisa and watch what she says. It sounds like whatever it was, she shouldn’t have said it and she gets that too. She needs to start thinking before speaking**

So she spills some truth tea all over the place and the women who are all doing splits and talking filth act scandalized that whatever she’s said is outlandish and awful when they’re all horrible people and hypocrites. Anyway, Bravo being Bravo cuts out whatever she’s said and makes it out like Brandi has accused Adrienne and Paul of baking kittens and selling them at the hotel as shepherd’s pie or whatever. I’m guessing it wasn’t involving kittens and pie. Chances are, Brandi shouldn’t have said anything because of course at least one of them is going to run to Adrienne to tattle.

Which of COURSE happens. And being the “classy” ladies they are, Kim decides to tell Adrienne and Paul at Mauricio’s work event. Because that’s totally the appropriate place to share information like that. I’m really tired of Kim and the way she does all this stuff.

*another aside* So listen, I have to say that the way they acted wasn’t so much “OMG WHAT TOTAL FICTION” but “holy crap how dare she tell people” Later Camille said something about the difference between them finally telling about Taylor’s abuse and Brandi telling something Adrienne wasn’t spreading around. Which says to me that what Brandi said was true, not a lie. Moreover, Mauricio has said what Brandi shared was private family business. However inappropriate it was to share it, it wasn’t an untruth.**

So of course Adrienne starts screeching about suing (and someone needs to let her know that truth is an absolute defense to slander so what’s she going to sue Brandi for? Telling the truth?) and she and Paul parade through someone else’s event and begin to scream at Brandi, calling her a bitch and a piece of shit. Paul is puffing out his chest, getting in Brandi’s face, screaming obscenities at her, and goes off on her for calling Adrienne a bitch just a breath after he called Brandi a bitch multiple times.

Oh good times,these people. Not a single person steps in to try to pull Paul back, because these men are all full of shit and lacking honor or class. But they sure do come around right after to soak up the camera time. Brandi is shaking and I’m wishing she’d just not have shown up, or at the very least realized someone was going to have told Adrienne about what she said at dinner. Taylor seems upset (and I hope it was real instead of manufactured) and asks after Brandi, who is visibly shaken.

Kyle rushes off to give Kim a WTF wrong time for this with cameras and Camille in tow. Because again, why deal with something like this in private and calmly when you can have a camera crew and a random friend involved? Sober Kim is as annoying and two faced as substance addled Kim, by the way and she’s all, tough shit she needed to know and it’s your opinion I shouldn’t have done it here. These women are permanently stuck in 7th grade because that’s their emotional maturity level. Kyle then does her usual two faced thing saying one thing to Brandi as she tears her apart to the cameras.

Ken is recovering from his surgery and he’s teasing Lisa, which is adorable. I love these two!

Yolanda is exercising and bouncing and working out talking wistfully about “her husband” (does she ever say “David” like a normal person? OTOH, I think her house is heaven on earth and so I don’t mind boring scenes there so I can see it, lemon trees, glass refrigerator and all). I’m just not sure why exactly Yolanda is on the show at this point, she doesn’t seem as desperate for the attention as some of the others. Camille has had more screen time and she’s supposedly not even on the show anymore.

So oh so coincidentally Kyle has a new dining room and decides to have a dinner party to celebrate it – as one does – and then tells Faye Resnick a bunch of shit over lunch. Now listen here, Faye Resnick is one thirsty lady. Criminetely does she want to be on television. Of course she’s an expert on people she’s never met and a situation she’s only heard a bit of, and she doesn’t like Brandi because how dare she call Kim a meth head when Kim and Kyle treated her like shit and hid her crutches and abused her (and if we can all remember, Kim was a hot mess of substances of many types all season long, so).

Mauricio goes off on Brandi and tells everyone she’s a mean girl and a gossip (clearly not realizing he’s referring to Brandi instead of his shit stirrer wife). He says they have more class and so they can’t uninvite her from a dinner to celebrate a new dining room. My eyes rolled as I typed that. Anyhoodle. Normally I really like Mauricio, but on this issue he’s being a jackwagon. Paul was out of line. Even if you’re mad you don’t get in someone’s face and start threatening them as you call them names. (and given Adrienne’s claims of his mistreatment of her after she filed for divorce…). Brandi shouldn’t have said it, period. Paul shouldn’t have flipped the fuck out and threatened a woman at someone’s work party. Making that Brandi’s fault is called victim blaming and that’s not cool.

Brandi goes to Lisa’s and tells her how anxious she is over the Adrienne thing and the dinner and she’s worried about what they’ll do. Of course totally coincidentally the stuff Adrienne said to Brandi showed up in Radar that day, which is so ironic my eyeballs sprained as I rolled them. If you can call remember it was Adrienne who accused Lisa of selling stories to the tabloids and it appears it’s Adrienne who has reason to be feeling guilty. ALLEGEDLY of course.

*yet another aside* Clearly something has gone down between Adrienne and Brandi. It’s got to be pretty bad for her to have these intense feelings. It could be totally manufactured for the cameras, but the ferocity of the feelings between them seems quite real.*

Lisa tries to be calming and to talk Brandi down, but she’s concerned and considering all the power they’ve got in relation to Brandi and having been a target herself, she realizes it’s an issue.

It’s dinner party time and there are caterers and drinks served by waitstaff because heaven knows cooking for 6 women and having them get a drink from a bar where they’ve been pre made is too damned hard. Kyle makes sure to namedrop on a guest who was far too nice to actually be on this show. We then find out Kim is off in Vegas with her son and Kyle wasn’t invited. BUT SHE DOESN’T EVEN CARE SO THERE. Add she says it like four times just so you know. These sisters have some stuff between them the way they constantly slap at each other. Ugh. There’s awkward silence until someone brings up Adrienne. Cause that’s not awkward at all.

So of course Kyle oh so innocently brings things up AGAIN, my god this woman, anyway Thirsty Resnick bursts in and starts demanding an explanation from Brandi. This isn’t the first time Kyle has brought Thirsty to a gathering to get her to stir trouble. It’s pretty pathetic, actually and every week I find myself liking Kyle less and less.

Brandi is actually quite calm for the vulgar way Thirsty is acting. Thirsty is demanding that Brandi send flowers and so Kyle jumps in and agrees but Brandi is like, look this isn’t your business and it’s too soon to send flowers. Thirsty, knowing so much about the entire situation then declares that because she won’t flowers she isn’t sorry. She then suggests Brandi send an orchid if she won’t send flowers. Someone should explain to Thirst that orchids are flowers. Also, what is it with these women and sending flowers when they fuck up? Maybe she should send that tacky arrangement Adrienne sent Lisa.

Seriously, who is this woman and what makes her think her opinion is warranted or important in any way? She isn’t part of this crew. Every time she shows up it’s to pull this crap and start shit.

Brandi attempts several times to end the discussion and finally gets up to leave. Thirsty, apropos of absolutely nothing that has happened to her or at that dinner starts claiming Brandi is going to come after her. Brandi then mades an awesome comment that she doesn’t care about her enough to do that and then leaves. Thirsty hears the wah wah wah sound and realizes another attempt to be relevant has gone down the drain. and Kyle throws her hands up like she had nothing to do with the incredibly rude way she just treated an invited guest in her home.

Next week will Kyle own up to her own responsibility for starting just about every fight this entire season? Will Taylor get some help for her issues? Will Kim stop whining and passive aggressively hitting her sister? Will Adrienne realize you can’t simultaneously say something is a lie and threaten to sue all while everyone says ON CAMERA that what was said was the truth?

Oh, LOL, just kidding!

2 comments to “Real Housewives Recap”

  1. Dakota Cassidy
    December 18th, 2012 at 7:17 pm · Link

    Yes. I concur on all fronts. Well, except Yolanda. You forgot to mention that she seems to think she’s like Wonder Woman and June Cleaver rolled into one. I mean, she does EVERYTHING. Builds it, fixes it, grows it, created it 🙂 Next we’ll hear she made the ark and walked on water simultaneously. LOLLOL!

  2. Bobbi Romans
    December 18th, 2012 at 10:39 pm · Link

    Well I blame BOTH you and Dakota for dragging me into this silver spoon up A$$ realm. Can we say A$$ in a post?

    That said, I’ve only caught a couple of the Beverly Hills episodes. Now that one girl, isn’t she the little girl from Escape from Witch Mountain? Kim? The one that was crying in the bathroom that Brandi went to go talk to during the girls weekend luncheon?

    I only know a little about these women *cough* but am addicted to Jersey wives. Bad.

    I won’t name my other guilty pleasure other than it was on Showtime.

    Love the recap Lauren.