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Apr
26 2012 | ||
I’m going to talk about BDSM and why *I* write it and why *I* find it appealing. This is my opinion and my process. It does not have to be yours, after all, there is no one true way. But this is my blog and so I’m going to talk about what I think. With all that out of the way –
I’m always flattered when I read a review of one of my books with BDSM elements and someone says they don’t normally read the theme but I don’t write it the “usual way” or somesuch so they dug it. And then it makes me a little sad because I think there are a lot of missed opportunities when BDSM is a theme in a romance or erotic romance.
While lots of people will tell you there’s one true way to write BDSM, this is not so. Shrug. Sexuality is like a snowflake, it’s different for each person and each couple. As Erin says in Laid Bare – there’s no “Big Book of Bondage” and each couple makes it up as they go along and does what works for them. So for instance, I never write humiliation in my BDSM books. I’m not judging anyone whose interests lie in that direction, it’s just not something I care to write about. Firstly I find it, well, humiliating and that’s not my interest. I have no interest as a writer, or as a person, in investigating a relationship where one person gets off on humiliating the other person, who also gets off on it. Or worse, we never get to see the response or interest of the person being humiliated at all so you have no idea if it does get them off. They just do it. Which leads me to the next issue.
To me, the beauty of BDSM is in the exchange of power. Why would a strong woman submit to her partner? What does it do for her? How does it make her feel and why? Because the key is that submission is GIVEN, not taken. And it’s a gift, not a right. I’m interested in a hero, a dominant man, gets off on that control, but also cherishes the woman who gives it to him. The dominant man who understands that while he’s holding the control, she’s his to admire, his to care for and cosset and that is a beautiful thing. He understands that he’s got to earn it, but once he does, it’s his to keep and nurture.
BDSM in a romance is an explosive thing. It’s powerful for any person to find someone else worthy of submission to. It’s powerful for any person to take control and use that power to bring pleasure. *THAT* is the core of why I write BDSM and that is what I find so fascinating I return to it. I want to be in her head when he’s binding her hands, or covering her eyes, I want to be in his head when he uses the flogger. There’s so much more than the physical action of hand meeting ass cheek! I’m not saying people have to do everything they write about. But honestly hold a flogger, swing it. It makes sounds. It has a certain kind of weight, the leather of it has a scent. The silk of a blindfold feels a certain way against your skin, doesn’t it? So why isn’t it part of sex scenes in so many BDSM books?
Power is three dimensional. It’s thrilling and tempting. Men who wear power are also those things (and sometimes they’re just dicks). Sex is also a sort of power, but the dynamics of it are unique. So when I write BDSM I want to explore that. I want to get under the skin, into the hearts and minds of the people doing it. And when I read flat descriptions of endless spankings or women who discover they’re submissives and jump into the 24/7 master/slave game with some guy they just met it’s more than boring to me, it’s a total missed opportunity for some major examination of the people on the page. Oh and it’s dumb. Who does that? That’s a pretty huge life change, why would she do it and why isn’t that ever explained? Or worse, some guy who is an ALL CAPS DOM! He demands she call him Master whatever five seconds after they meet. He takes no time to figure out who she is, what she may like or not like. That’s not hero material at all. It’s just thin and not very interesting.
Sex is far more than tab a slot b (or tab a tab a, slot b slot b, etc). In a book, you’re building a world, even when it’s a contemporary setting. The characters and what they do should make some sort of sense. Sex is part of that. It’s easy enough to know why a woman likes it when her clit is stimulated. But why does she like it when her partner binds her with rope or other kinds of ties? That so many writers miss that opportunity is a shame.
Do you like BDSM books? Have any absolute no nos or oh yes please type storylines? The winner of today’s contest will win her choice of Laid Bare, Captivated, Wolf Unbound, Undercover, Second Chances, Believe or Sweet Charity in whatever formats they’re available in. I’ll announce the winner on April 30 on the next Winner’s Post.
April 26th, 2012 at 4:46 am · Link
Usually I don’t read BDSM novels because I abhor violence and I am not particularly fond of casual sex but it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like to experiment with them. While I can agree that the willing exchange of power is a mesmerizing moment it seems to me that these moments are rather exception than the rule.
And when I read flat descriptions of endless spankings or women who discover they’re submissives and jump into the 24/7 master/slave game with some guy they just met it’s more than boring to me, it’s a total missed opportunity for some major examination of the people on the page.
You know, I might try one of your books. I completely agree with you here.
April 26th, 2012 at 4:54 am · Link
This was a really interesting post, Lauren; it was a good read.
The first BDSM I read was Deviations: Domination by Chris Owen and Jodi Payne. And then I inhaled the other books in the series. I have read other books with BDSM elements and have enjoyed them, too.
April 26th, 2012 at 4:57 am · Link
Wish I could have put it as clearly and succintly as you did, because it is a complex topic. What really turns me on is when the power exchange goes both ways and the so called dominant realizes that the submissive has a lot of power over him. If he is strong enough to live with that – and it requires strength to live with being dependent – again that’s true for doms and subs – then they really have a chance at a HEA. For the rest – as long as it is really consensual – anything goes (except for blood, bodily fluids etc).
So please keep on writing your captivating BDSM love stories.
April 26th, 2012 at 5:24 am · Link
That was an amazing post! I agree with you. I have only been reading BDSM stories for a few months and my first one was one of your awesome books and was hooked! I love to read BDSM stories now and will continue to do so.
April 26th, 2012 at 6:01 am · Link
Just started reading books with BDSM and find it interesting, exciting and just fun to read. There are so many areas of BDSM that don’t appeal to me but finding out about them is certainly “eye-opening”.
This post was by far your most interesting topic. Thanks for talking about it.
April 26th, 2012 at 6:33 am · Link
I read a book (couldn’t tell you the name or author if my life depended on it now) a few years ago, my first BDSM and it was awful. It involved the Dom forcing his sub to watch as he had sex with others, making her do things that humiliated her and I don’t remember ever feeling like she had a voice or a choice. I never felt like I truly understood her character, she was just put on the pages to take whatever he chose to give her. It really turned me off to the subject for a while and I was very careful about choosing authors I knew and trusted to try the subject again. I’m glad I did, I’ve read several really good books involving BDSM that were very well written and that gave me a glimpse to an other side of the subject.
April 26th, 2012 at 6:38 am · Link
I do not read too many BDSM stories, but I have read a few of yours and I do think that for the difference is the emotion that is involved in yours.
Thanks for explaining a little behind how you write these scenes.
April 26th, 2012 at 6:45 am · Link
Great post. I don’t read a lot of BDSM. But, I like the way you write it in your books.
April 26th, 2012 at 6:52 am · Link
They aren’t my favorite books to read usually. That being said I love laid bare. I agree with you 100% when authors just jump into it and there is no explanation it doesn’t seem realistic and not very enjoyable.
April 26th, 2012 at 6:53 am · Link
I find the topic absoultely fasinating as long as it’s consensual. It’s one of my most favorite types of books to read. I have to admit some go a little to over the top for me at times.
April 26th, 2012 at 6:57 am · Link
I’m glad you wrote about this, in light of all the talk going on about 50 Shades. I’m only 8 chapters in and it’s about to go in that direction. I think I read it for the same reasons you describe: there’s something really intimate about the give and take of power and earning it. It’s not just about liking pain or being the Master. Personally, the more I read the good kind, the more I enjoy it.
April 26th, 2012 at 6:59 am · Link
I enjoy BDSM in books, and one of the things I love about the books I’ve read in the genre is just like no two couples in the lifestyle are alike, none of the authors I read in the genre write it exactly the same either. I haven’t tried any of yours yet *ducks*, but I think I’m going to have to check them out 🙂
April 26th, 2012 at 7:10 am · Link
I like BDSM books to a point…I love the story lines with strong women and men ….. I think I’m more of a “lite” BDSM type girl…I like the stories where the strong women feel safe enough to allow the men in their lives to have the control in the bedroom…that in itself it a power all its own. I love all of your books that have BDSM in them…I think because it doesn’t spill into the characters day to day lives…he may be incharge in the bedroom but she is the rest of the time
April 26th, 2012 at 7:18 am · Link
It took me a long time to read books with a BDSM theme. I, like many people, saw it as an abusive relationship with the submissive being weak. A friend of mine ended up giving me one of your books and I saw things from a different perspective. I then started to seek other authors that I now enjoy greatly.
My favorite aspects to BDSM novels where the woman is the submissive are that (in the novels I enjoy) the female characters are strong women who are in control of their relationship by submitting. Also, that these are negotiated relationships. Both partners compromising to make their relationship successful for both of them.
The only “no-nos” for me personally are those that deal with a lack of consent and force. I’ve started books that go in that direction and I’ve never finished them. Like you, I don’t think they should be banned but they are definitely not my thing.
April 26th, 2012 at 7:37 am · Link
I like them when they are written to show the respect and affection between the individuals.
April 26th, 2012 at 7:40 am · Link
I <3 this, Lauren ~ and this is why, you and only a handfull of other authors will I read BDSM, menage's, and scenarios that are out of my normal romance element. Because you don't just slap them down on paper doing the risque ~ it's about pushing the boundaries because YOU like it, because you want your partner to like it, because you love them, because it feels good, because it's sexy…If it's dont right, I really don't think there are any No No's. I didn't even mind the Anchor thing ~ and usually that would constitue cheating for me, but you totally sold me on it, and made the whole bond thing work!
April 26th, 2012 at 7:49 am · Link
I will read them and yur books thanks for the giveaway
April 26th, 2012 at 7:57 am · Link
I enjoy BDSM books. I love them! yes, there are certain circumstances that makes me shy away from them, BUT for the most part I love them. I can remember my first one, though. I would reccomend Cherise Sinclair’s Master of Shadowlands Series.. EXCELLENT!
Great post, Lauren!
April 26th, 2012 at 8:10 am · Link
Yes, yes, yes and a thousand times YES!
You can apply this to any sort of writing, but in romance (again, as vanilla as a kiss or as kinky as full power exchange), this is the core.
If all you care is the mechanics, there are all sorts of titillating tidbits every where–a person can read snippets or watch snippets without too much effort. But in a romance, it’s the characters that matter, and if the sex is disconnected from their motivations–indeed, completely alien to their personalities–then…well, what’s the point of it?
For example, in Maya Banks’ Sweet Surrender (my review here, btw), the male protagonist invites another man of his and the female protagonist’s acquaintance to have a threesome with them. He’s doing this because it’s a fantasy of hers. He enjoys it for himself but quite a bit (more than half, from my read) of his enjoyment comes from her enjoyment of it.
And she enjoys it because she feels safe–she knows the person he chose is safe (in the STD-free sense but also in the ‘when I see you next’ sense). She knows neither of the men will hold a negative impression of her (aka, judgement, “she’s such a slut”) after it. She knows the hero is doing solely for her pleasure, to give her something she wants, in the safest manner he can possibly make it happen.
And we know this, as it’s happening. If memory serves, there aren’t any long and drawn out internal dialogues–either before, during or after–but there is enough throughout the setup, execution and aftermath, but me to have this vivid feeling of rightness about the whole thing, years after I read it.
April 26th, 2012 at 8:11 am · Link
oooppssss–long comment plus link equals moderated status *sheepish* sowwwyyyy
April 26th, 2012 at 9:16 am · Link
I’ve really come to enjoy BDSM themed romances when done as you’ve described. Letting the reader see into the emotion on both sides and knowing that it is consensual. Laid Bare and Undercover are 2 of my absolute favorite romances (would LOVE to see a little ebook novella with Brandt, Sera, & Ash!!) – Love Wolf Unbound as well. Thanks for this topic. 😛
April 26th, 2012 at 9:22 am · Link
i haven’t really read much in the BDSM genre. I think it’s all in the way it’s written if I would like it. I don’t think I would like the non consensual or humiliation aspects if that is how it is portrayed. I didn’t think I would care for a book with a menage a trois but I read the Chase Bros and just finished the de La Vega series and loved them.
April 26th, 2012 at 9:42 am · Link
I have read BDSM in erotic romance and erotica for years. I am fascinated by the psychology of it all. I also like to see how Doms and Subs who never felt whole with other partners, thrive once they meet the right person. When a person is allowed to be exactly who they are without fear of being judged, it is a beautiful thing to see.
April 26th, 2012 at 10:25 am · Link
I was introduced and started reading BDSM books because I have enjoyed your books. And since you introduced me to the world of BDSM, my tastes are really pretty darn close to yours. I do agree, humiliation is not something I enjoy at all. I’m also not a fan of larger group settings. I don’t mean a three-some, more like a scene in a BDSM club in front of others. I do love the trust that forms between a couple and even though she’s submitting the power that the woman has over a man in the relationship. And I’m pretty sure my “yes please” scenes are anything you write. 😉
April 26th, 2012 at 10:36 am · Link
Great post!! I definitely read BDSM books and I find the different relationships represented interesting. One of my fave BDSM authors is Cherise Sinclair–Love her books!! I don’t find humiliation in books interesting at all and the 24/7 slave aspect all depends on the characters and how the story is written as to whether I enjoy it or not. Thanks for the chance to win!! 🙂
April 26th, 2012 at 10:40 am · Link
I just recently started reading this genre and was surprised that I enjoyed the books I have read so far. I always liked vampire romance stories and started reading Joey Hill. Now I am trying other authors that follow this. Not only do I enjoy understanding the characters and making them tick but have also found that I am willing to try some of these myself, my husband has been game and we have had some fun expanding our own relationship! Great post and giveaway!
April 26th, 2012 at 10:46 am · Link
I don’t go out in search of BDSM books, but I’ll read them if/when a trusted author writes them. (At least, I’ll give them a try.) Some books I’ve set aside with a shudder, but thats never happened with a LD book. 😉 This post articulates why your books work for me.
Also, I enjoy it when a heroine submits in the bedroom, but am squicked if she is submissive 24/7, or as soon as she walks in the front door. Just…no. Not for me. (I mean, historically, societally, culturally and whathaveyou, women have been forced to submit to a man’s will, so I find nothing empowering or sexy about the idea of submitting 24/7. But that’s just me.)
April 26th, 2012 at 10:52 am · Link
First off, I must admit that I haven’t read any of your works and I seem to be missing out I think! *hangs head in shame*
I’ve read a dozen (to be exact) BDSM related books for a GR challenge; some were pretty amazing, some not so much. I’m against the humiliation and ‘hard core’ whipping. At least that’s how I view it. I’m a little head strong, so it doesn’t appeal to me.
Now off to do some research and grab a book of yours to read today! 🙂
Thank you very much!
Sebrina
April 26th, 2012 at 10:54 am · Link
I just recently started reading BDSM. I hadn’t realized all that was behind it. Thanks for this post! Don’t have any no nos or oh yes as this point, need to read a few more books!
April 26th, 2012 at 11:00 am · Link
If BDSM is written the right way it is good. It all depends on the author. Some can’t capture the trust between the couples. If it is just about the power over the person it is not right or good.
April 26th, 2012 at 11:04 am · Link
I like some BDSM books. But it all depends on how they are written. Some I just could not get into. There are some authors that are my favorites that I will keep reading.
April 26th, 2012 at 11:05 am · Link
I totally agree with you reading about BDSM without the explanation of the feelings and emotions attached to it leaves me flat. It can be extremely powerful to read if well written. Thank you for being one of those wonderful authors.
April 26th, 2012 at 11:09 am · Link
I completely agree! I love reading about the little details that help paint the perfect picture in my mind that even in real life we sometimes miss. Kind of like the saying “to stop and smell the roses”
I have often wondered what it would really be like to give up control (bedroom only) and to have absolute trust in a partner. I think this is part of why I like BDSM books, aside from the sex of course 😉
April 26th, 2012 at 11:23 am · Link
Hi Lauren,
I totally agree with you. I like BDSM in books, as long as the submission is a given thing and as long as it’s a part of the story, not the whole story!
Thanks for the chance to win! I love your books!
Kanya
April 26th, 2012 at 11:43 am · Link
Great post! I’ve come to enjoy BDSM elements in stories and have been trying out different authors. I love how you incorporate the emotions and trust that it takes between the partners in order to achieve a good balance with BDSM. Some stories fall flat, yours are wonderful. I love your books! Thanks!
April 26th, 2012 at 11:47 am · Link
I wholeheartedly agree with you Lauren. I do enjoy books with BDSM themes but there has to be depth to the characters. I’ve read some good books and some really really bad ones and it’s the goods ones (like yours) that keep me reading and enjoying the genre.
April 26th, 2012 at 11:56 am · Link
I do read BDSM once in a while, their not really my cup of tea. But if I like the author it will give it a read. Thanks for insightful post.
April 26th, 2012 at 12:14 pm · Link
Thank you for the post Ms. Dane. It was very interesting to read about how you see the BDSM dynamic and use that to create your stories. I’m not fond of humiliation or degradation either in stories. The Brown Siblings ROCK!! Laid Bare is my favorite.
April 26th, 2012 at 12:44 pm · Link
I loved this post and I completely agree!
Honestly, I’m picky about BDSM and typically only read more BDSM-light erotic romances, but like a few others who have commented, I discovered Cherise Sinclair over two years ago, and realized if a stronger BDSM-themed book is well written , it can blow your mind and be a completely thrilling experience for a reader. Master of the Mountain by Sinclair completely molded my views on BDSM erotica, BECAUSE it had those crucial elements you outlined above (in my opinion). Power is TOTALLY three-dimensional, and that whole paragraph explains to a T how I feel about BDSM and how it should be conveyed on paper.
At the end of the day you and Sinclair are the only two authors I really (and unconditionally) trust -at this point- to give me what I want with these types of stories! When I read both of your works, specifically those with BDSM involved, I can FEEL and BELIEVE the trust between the characters involved. I need that “trust” element or it never really works for me.
Anyways, Laid Bare is to this day my favourite erotic romance, and woman, I just have to say that you have a way with worrrrds that just rocks!!!
April 26th, 2012 at 1:00 pm · Link
BDSM and menage are my two favorite genres in erotic romance. I’ve been reading both genres since Ellora’s Cave and their authors introduced me to them a long time ago. I’m very picky about both genres and the story content because it can’t just be sex for sex sake. I want the emotional connection between the partners be it m/f, m/m, or m/f/m or whatever combination it is. The m/m BDSM books I’ve read are usually a little more of the heavy BDSM but I’m okay with that because it works better between the characters. Otherwise I don’t like nonconsensual BDSM where its more rape than pleasure. Anything that leave permanent damage on purpose is not my thing, either.
April 26th, 2012 at 1:23 pm · Link
I love a good BDSM theme. I love how the hero cherishes his submissive with such ferocity that it seems like a complete fairy tale! Things I don’t like reading in a BDSM book are breath play and blood play! These subjects are a little too extreme for my tastes.
April 26th, 2012 at 1:36 pm · Link
Within the last 18 months I picked up my first ‘romance’ novel EVER (and yes, I am FORTY!) and quickly moved into erotica and a ton of BDSM books, which I actually LOVE!! Who knew?? And actually, my first taste of it was in YOUR series! Over the last 18 months I have read a TON and have enjoyed all of it.
I am currently reading Mistress’s Master by Jayne Rylon, which had a lot of reviews saying it was ‘the filthiest book’ they had ever read….I wonder if people say that because the dynamic is a Domme with 8-10 male submissives as opposed to a male Dom with a female sub?? BUT it is SO well done! The Domme’s relationship with and the mutual respect that flows between her and her subs is what a true D/s relationship is about, which can be a beautiful thing, so the more extreme sexual things almost took a back seat…..
I’m with you – NO GO on the humiliation things, but great relationships with spectacular power exchange is amazing to read! Love it! Thanks for writing it! 🙂
April 26th, 2012 at 1:45 pm · Link
I LOVE a well written book that contains BDSM elements…I have read some that just doesn’t do it for me. I am not personally into BDSM BUT, with such great authors such as Lauren or Megan Hart, I could see myself as a sub in certain situations. You ladies sure have a way with your pen or should I say “keystroke”!! 😉 Great blog Lauren & keep on, keepin’ on!!
April 26th, 2012 at 2:17 pm · Link
Awesome post! I’ve read some horrible BDSM books and some really good ones. I agree with you that there needs to be more than just the ‘slot a tab b”. When the writer takes the time to actually “show” us what the person if feeling it makes the reading so much better.
April 26th, 2012 at 2:18 pm · Link
I had not read anything that really contained BDSM until I read some of your work. I love the way you explain how the sub is feeling – how you talk about sub space and for the first time I kinda understood why someone would want to sit whilst someone tied lots of rope around them. 💡 I have since become intrigued by the ideas and went to read other books with a BDSM theme – eww!!!! ❗ The last one I read the first couple of pages and stopped because I just could not understand why the female character would get a kick out of it. ❓ I’m looking forward to your future releases 🙂
April 26th, 2012 at 2:56 pm · Link
I write erotic romance, erotica fiction and have included BDSM into my stories simply because I find developing these characters a challenge. Getting into their psyche brings a whole new dimension to the storyline. My first book Mistaken Identity started out as a simple romance and then after revisions turned into an erotic escapade incorporating BDSM. When it first came out I couldn’t even submit it to writing contests because there was no category for the erotic novel. I’m sure that’s going to change now especially after watching Oz’s show yesterday where he not only has read Fifty Shades of Gray but recommends it as one more “tool” to boost one’s libido. Go figure.
April 26th, 2012 at 3:04 pm · Link
Short and sweet in reply? Thank you for nailing it on the head. 🙂
April 26th, 2012 at 3:04 pm · Link
I love your post and I do read BDSM books. BDSM is about a lot more than sex, there is nothing like a consensual power exchange. I’ve been in a BDSM relationship and to me it was one of the best that I’ve ever had. It’s all about trust, because if you cannot trust your partner then you are better off walking away before things get too out of hand and someone gets hurt. Anyway great blog post 😆
April 26th, 2012 at 3:04 pm · Link
I love erotica, but it’s hard to find in my town. I go to the library alot and they don’t have much in that area. My favorite is BDSM, I want to read all I can about it.
April 26th, 2012 at 3:34 pm · Link
I’ve read a few BDSM freebies and cheapies from amazon. I think you worded it perfectly. I agree with not liking humiliation and I don’t get putting that kind of trust in a stranger. I did read the popular BDSM books that everyone seems to be talking about. It didn’t live up to the hype for me. I don’t mind kinky, but I abhor violence.
For me, doesn’t matter if the sex is implied or explicit or BDSM, I need a loving relationship and a HEA to make me happy.
I will look up your books on Amazon and check them out. 😉