Realism in BDSM Writing
Apr
3
2007

Writers handle subjects in as many ways as well, there are writers. Me? I’m of the responsibility school. I’m not going to show the hero flossing his teeth, but in a contemporary erotic story, he’s going to use a condom or I give a reason why. That’s a personal thing. As a reader, I notice it every time couples in contemporaries don’t use condoms and all I can think about are STDs and pregnancy. It yanks me out of a very hot scene. I don’t need a huge deal to be made out of condom use, just an indication that it’s happening in one scene can establish it but I digress…

In BDSM books, I have my characters set rules and establish a safeword and outline consent. Consent is a really big button of mine. It’s why I don’t ever write rape as titilation and I don’t write or read forced seduction. Being raped isn’t sexy, it’s not fun. But playing with power and control is fun and as long as everyone is on the same page, play within those boundaries is sexy.

Mistress Matisse – a local Domme and a woman whose column I read on a regular basis (along with a very well written blog) did a piece in last week’s Stranger about consent.

What is the difference between BDSM and abuse? Kinky people would like to be able to draw a clear line, but like vanilla sex, it all spins on consent, and consent is a fluid, dynamic thing. You don’t give it once and that’s it for all time. You give it, either tacitly or overtly, every time you play.

The points she makes are important because when you give submission to someone, you’re handing yourself to them. That means as a sub, you’re trusting your partner and as a Dom, you’re taking charge of someone – we don’t read a whole lot about the responsibility of Dom/mes in books. They’re often stereotypes nearly as bad as the weak, broken submissive. The issue is that D/s and BDSM in general are play, yes, but with that comes responsibilty from both parties. Like any other sexual activity – you need consent and trust.

The lesson for dominants: Know your partner. Negotiate and get clear consent—and, yes, it can be done without being a buzz-kill. And be aware that no matter what someone says, you’re taking a leap of faith when you pick up the whip. For submissives: Even if you call yourself a slave, the person primarily responsible for your safety is you. If something’s going wrong, say so—promptly. A good dominant will want that information. Someone who doesn’t care isn’t someone you should belong to.

So in my D/s books, even in books where D/s is prominent enough that it’s more than just a slap on the ass or holding hands above the head, there’s going to be a discussion. The whole thing isn’t necessarily going to happen on the page, but the reader will know the submissive consented and also that the Dom made sure he had it. That’s part of sexy for me when I’m shaping a character – I want the Dom to be strong, yes, but intelligent and worthy of the submission he or she is seeking from his/her partner.

Yes, there are books and stories which play on “edge” ideas like no consent. I don’t read them and I don’t write them. I’m not saying they should be banned, I’m saying I don’t read them and I don’t write them and I’d never play that way.

Consent is sexy. For the submissive, having a safe word, knowing somehwere deep that he or she has a way to stop things if necessary is important but s/he also has a way to be pushed past comfort zones by a Dom who knows what he’s about. A Dom who cares to make sure she’s all right. That’s sexy.

18 comments to “Realism in BDSM Writing”

  1. Cathy
    April 3rd, 2007 at 10:56 am · Link

    Lauren, my only contact in the BDSM world is what I read about in romance stories, and I really appreciate the way you write about it. You do make it sexy and intense, but always after communication between the partners. The over the edge BDSM, is hard to read about, and definitely not part of my very active fantasy life.



  2. Amelia
    April 3rd, 2007 at 1:15 pm · Link

    I get the impression a lot of times that people don’t WANT to know what the dom/me is thinking (seriously, I never capitalize, so sue me). It’s like, even the subs don’t want to see weakness or doubt or indecision in their doms–heaven forfend the top is a *gasp* real person!

    I guess I see why that is, on some level a bottom wants to be cared for so they can let go. But I wish more people understood the level of responsibility that puts on the top, and that the very nature of that relationship means there is a deep level of intimacy and trust between the two, even for one scene.

    I personally think it’s hot when the dom’s POV is one of care, concern and fierceness. But you don’t see that much.

    Anyway, blah blah. Yeah.



  3. laurendane
    April 3rd, 2007 at 1:21 pm · Link

    I’m not sure if it’s that people don’t want to know so much as when it’s done, it’s not always done very well and he looks like a tool.

    I think it’s very true that most D/s books don’t go into the responsibility of topping someone. I think that’s sad actually because it’s a subject I find fascinating and sexy too.

    I try very hard to give his POV when I write. I want to show he’s worthy of submission, you know? (I say he because I haven’t written femme domme just yet).

    It’s important, it’s key to how things work because while the sub can slip away into subspace, a dom has to be there, be present to be sure everything is working and not going too far.



  4. laurendane
    April 3rd, 2007 at 1:22 pm · Link

    Cathy – thank you so much. I do think it’s very sexy and very romantic too.



  5. Cathy
    April 3rd, 2007 at 1:41 pm · Link

    When the sexual connection is all about power, both mental and physical, how can the pleasure and ultimately the romance evolve?



  6. laurendane
    April 3rd, 2007 at 1:46 pm · Link

    All connection is about power in some sense, especially sexual connection. The power of pleasing someone, of making them lose control, the power of being pleased and desired as well as being desired. D/s is no different in that sense.

    Essentially, how is it not romantic when someone trusts their partner enough to submit to them emotionally and physically and how is it not romantic when the dom takes that submission and cherishes the giver by being careful with her? By pushing her limits better than she can understand herself? That takes a lot of time and energy – I think that’s very romantic.

    It’s not every story. It’s not every story with D/s in it – but IMO, a book like Second Chances is all about romance and love and Rori submits to Zach and Jude both. Both men top her with love and care.



  7. Amelia
    April 3rd, 2007 at 4:52 pm · Link

    I would argue too, that power is illusory. Both partners in any arrangement have power, the beauty is when one person chooses to use that power to submit…

    You know, I could go on for days (and have). Your explanation is good. *teehee*



  8. Ann(ie)
    April 3rd, 2007 at 6:30 pm · Link

    I’m not an expert on this lifestyle by any means, but I book I just reviewed for It’s Not Chick Porn struck me as very well researched. Love My Way is by Bridget Midway, and I thought she did a great job of devekoping the d/s relationship.



  9. rhian
    April 4th, 2007 at 4:21 am · Link

    btw – i’m really enjoying the past few post…mulling them over. It’s great to have it all broken down with explanations and ideas explored.



  10. Lauren
    April 4th, 2007 at 4:11 pm · Link

    Annie – I’ll have to check her out, thanks for the recommendation.

    Thank you, Rhian.



  11. TeddyPig
    April 12th, 2007 at 7:30 am · Link

    Oh my I totally disagree on Bridget Midway and her take on BDSM but that was in my review. Loved loved loved Joey W. Hill: Natural Law



  12. TeddyPig
    April 12th, 2007 at 8:24 am · Link

    I think where most people get in trouble with writing BDSM is mostly in lack of research (They assume it is just some type of sex with accoutrement’s.) if they do not know the scene or the culture and then attempt to allow the characters to only play at BDSM.

    The half in and half out (Player) approach will uncover a boat load of issues due to the reader not being able to see trust or any type of character development that provides that atmosphere where any intelligent person would chance this type of relationship.

    I think at least a writer making sure to research what you have your characters do is the bare minimum for creating anything believable. If they cannot even stomach doing that then leave BDSM to someone else to write.



  13. Richard
    April 17th, 2007 at 8:19 pm · Link

    I don’t trust safewords – a Dom should never count on them as an indicator of where his sub is. It;s too easy for a sub to panic, and not be able to say it. You need to be very emotionally in tune.



  14. TeddyPig
    April 18th, 2007 at 6:01 am · Link

    Not to mention Richard that there are several occasions where verbal “safe” words would not be very “safe” in the scene.

    I was taught physical signals which is actually the old way to do it and far more safer but only after practice and experience with the Top involved. They are more subtle and also the reason I do not play very much with strange Tops because they have to pick up on them.

    John used to be there whenever I was on loan to another Top for that reason.

    Those are the traps in the research though, a lot of buzz words and catch phrases, which are not exactly how things are really done.



  15. Lauren
    April 18th, 2007 at 8:32 am · Link

    I completely agree with Richard that a safeword shouldn’t be the *only* indicator of whether or not a sub is okay. A top should always be watching to be sure a sub is all right and yes, absolutely you can be so deep into subspace you can’t remember the word which is why it’s important to have open and honest dialog about serious D/s play/activity.

    And, well, Teddy, I find your assumption that it’s just “research” and that a safeword is just a “buzzword” presumptuous. I have a safeword. I rarely use it, I’m pretty high capacity, stubborn and my partner is an excellent top who’s quite attuned to me. But I have it and if I need to use it, I can.



  16. TeddyPig
    April 18th, 2007 at 9:32 am · Link

    “I find your assumption that it’s just “research” and that a safeword is just a “buzzword” insulting and presumptuous.”

    I did not say or mean to imply “you” were the one doing research Lauren. So I apologize if that is what you felt I meant.

    The conversation was about realism in BDSM writing. One of the key things I notice that helps me note if the story was written by someone whom has experience or book knowledge is the amount of time spent on the “safe word” or repeating “Safe, Sane, and Consensual”. Things I never spent that much time on in my scenes or even in training.

    If those things are presented to bolster trust that is fine but making them absolutes turns them for me into “buzzwords” and “catch phrases” when the meat for me is the creation of the focus or as Richard put it “emotionally in tune”.

    I consider that the core of realistic BDSM.



  17. laurendane
    April 18th, 2007 at 9:43 am · Link

    I took out the insulting part after editing because I realize how aggressive it sounded, I’m sorry for that!

    Definitely the thing that sticks out most to me when I read BDSM writing is what you point out – it’s all external and filled with pointing and words but no real understanding of the depth of emotion between the parties.

    I will say though, that it may be geographic or situational but “Safe, Sane and Consensual” are things that do come into D/s discussions in my neck of the woods or at least my neck of the lifestyle.



  18. TeddyPig
    April 18th, 2007 at 10:00 am · Link

    Nah Lauren, I am very abrupt and confrontational so feel free to smack me.

    I like it! Honest!

    I just got lucky and had the chance to experience a sorta older (Old School Gay BDSM) way to look at this.

    Hell, when I got my collar there was no ceremony no um would you wear this… just suddenly a cold feeling around the neck and *click*.

    So the best way to characterize my experience was it was intense and different than I experience with other Tops who are more “how can I put this nicely?” (negotiation experts). Oh man, now that will upset someones apple cart I just know it.

    I hate games and I love “what I am” and if I do not or do want to wear a certain Top’s collar… well, I think a good Top would know way way way before he did anything like that.

    So I think a lot that gets into the overly diagrammed conversations in BDSM romance books destroys the essence of out of control fun of the bottom and the domination of the Top.

    So much is simply levels of experience and levels of risk taking and well that intense focus and concentration that occurs when it is done right. That is the draw in BDSM IMHO.

    Well, for me it is. I am a pig you know.