Took a break last week from the guilty pleasure Housewife recap, but I did catch it last night and it happened to be an astonishingly horrifying episode so I have lots to say. All of it is my opinion. If you haven’t seen this dreadful episode yet, there are spoilers below.

This week we find Yolanda in her lemon orchard. No, I’m serious. We totally do. Again, her house is simply breathtaking. The grounds are so lovely and peaceful, the views are wow. If you can’t be serene living in a place like that I don’t know what’s wrong with you.

So she’s gathering lemons and her own honey when Kyle swans in. Aside the first (of many) – as much as I don’t like Kyle, I do think she’s absolutely gorgeous and she clearly knows what works for her style wise. She always looks lovely. I just wish her insides matched. Anyway, so there is lots of cleanse talk and these two super skinny women talk about losing weight and whatever. God. Kim comes up and she’s back to her old ways of blowing people off. Surprise. Kyle has lots of catty, backhanded things to say about that both in her “confessional” and to Yolanda. Surprise. Yolanda always seems surprised when these women act like animals. I mean, she’s been around them enough at this point to see they’re always this way, right? She doesn’t need the money. She’s relatively well adjusted. I’m just not quite sure why she’d put herself in any situation with 3/4th of these horrid people on purpose.

On the subject of Kim, we flip to her house. Which is where? Not BH. Then again, half of them aren’t housewives so whatever. Anyway, she’s got a life coach. One she’s had/known for five years. Yes, that’s right, I said she’s known this life coach guy for five years. Now, I don’t know all the details of her life outside the show over the last five years, but this dude is not very good at his job if Kim is the result. Just sayin. She whines about…oh let’s be honest, she whines about everything. She brings up the limo thing again.

Aside 2: Okay, like I said, I don’t like Kyle, but that limo sitch was totally Kim’s fault. She was a hot, drunken mess and pretty much spent most of her time that way. How much are people supposed to take before they break? Kim is the one who seems to have skipped the step where she is truly contrite for all the shenanigans she pulled while she was drunk all the time.

Lisa and Brandi are chatting about the meet and greet with skanky mchusbandfucker who was totally NOT sorry. Brandi, gurl, no more of this weeping over that piece of crap. He was a pig. He’s now someone else’s pig and look at what being married to him has done to her! You don’t need any more of that. SNAP OUT OF IT. We find out Adrienne is suing her for speaking about her. What, is Adrienne Scientology now? She’s going to sue everyone who has an opinion about her that she doesn’t like? Oh, no, she’s just going to harass them because she can. I get it.

Later we see Lisa looking utterly and totally fabulous as she heads over to Sur to check in. Fabulous bag. Fabulous car. Great hair. She’s just utterly gorgeous and I love her. She breaks off a piece of her manager who isn’t tending to flower duty and is rightfully flustered that something so basic isn’t seen to. Her chef, who is also suitably gorgeous brings out food. She teases him about Brandi and I’m thinking, well he’s got a job. If he doesn’t fuck everything not nailed down, he might be a good guy to introduce her to.

While she’s out, Ken and their housekeeper make this sweet little garden swing area for her. A pink swing all decorated with ribbons and a heart shaped flower patch. It’s so lovely and sweet. And her reaction? I love the two of them together. It’s so clear there’s so much love between them. She’s touched and he pushes her and they reminisce about old times. Giggy looks on from his own little pink chair. I like them.

So then there’s yet ANOTHER dinner Kyle has arranged. Here’s what I do not understand – why would anyone go to a dinner Kyle arranges? Like ever? But the new housewife, Marissa shows up and they limo over (don’t these women ever drive themselves? Or take a towncar instead of a super stretch limo for 2 people?) Kyle looks gorgeous and Marissa has a Moroccan style dress on that is lovely. Everyone else shows up at this restaurant but at the beginning we know Adrienne and Paul won’t be there and then Brandi confides in Kyle (WHY!) and Marissa that she’s being sued and her presence is being demanded at some meeting where she’s supposed to sign a document saying she won’t talk about Adrienne or her family.

Now look, guess what? Talk is cheap, mofos. People talk shit all the day long and it’s not against the law to not like someone or to call them out on some lie they told. Often, suits of this type are harassment plain and simple and clearly given the way Bravo is deleting any mention of whatever was said, she’s doing it to them as well (not so much reality in her reality show for Adrienne I guess). There seems to be NO ONE that I’ve seen or read saying what Brandi said was a lie, by the way. Shrug. Anyhoo.

Kim shows up and Yolanda is like hey we missed you for the cleanse! (ew no more cleanse talk) and she pretended she didn’t know what Yolanda meant. Now, maybe if we hadn’t seen Kim pull this exact same thing eleven thousand times it might be believable. In the end, it was just rude. Just say, no thanks. Of course then came all this creepy pressure on Kim to do this cleanse thing and she was like no. And then Kyle was demanding to know why in front of everyone. I’m going to guess something like that could lead to obsessive behavior issues in someone dealing with addiction, or maybe it’s not good for her medication or maybe she likes eating – whatever. But it’s really NOT YOUR BUSINESS. She said no, stop trying to peer pressure her into a fucking 10 day lemon honey no food cleanse. Jaysus. Then they decide to have some heart to heart in the middle of this dinner and a sort of apology happens and I don’t know, it seemed odd to me and that Kim is expecting an apology back but I’m wondering what for? Your sister getting frustrated by your behavior when you were drinking? Your sister having to pick up the pieces of your behavior?

There is gross baby talk and I think it was from Taylor. Women who baby talk make me cringe. Taylor makes me cringe in general and she’s talking about wanting a Ken and pronouncing Lisa’s name weirdly. She appears to be quite intoxicated and to be honest I’m concerned she’s got a major problem. SHe weeps about how much her daughter misses their private plane that she had to get rid of. I know someone whose sister has a major health issue that involves costly mental health and physical health interventions. Her sister has no insurance that will cover such things and my friend sold her house to help with costs. Fuck you and your private plane.

And across the room from Brandi the lawsuit comes up. SHE DID NOT BRING IT UP, others did. And so here goes what I found to be one of the most horrifying and disrespectful BH Housewife eps ever.

Yolanda and Kyle agree that the lawsuit seems like a way to harass Brandi, who has no money anyway. Everyone want to know if she’s apologize. Brandi says she tried to but was told by Adrienne’s lawyer to not try to contact them. Mauricio, who up until the last few episodes seemed like a pretty rational dude then morphs into a total misogynist asshole. From his place at the head of the room he leans back and begins to make pronouncements. First of all, he tells Brandi to call and ignore the lawyers. He says she started it and that she was a gossip monger and essentially bursts into a self righteous, abusive tirade about her.

Then he demands to know why she said it.

And here is the answer – YOUR WIFE ASKED. Yes, Mauricio, your shit stirring gossip monger of a wife started the entire thing. She brought it up totally out of the blue at the dinner. And when Brandi said that Adrienne lied a lot, she demanded an example and Brandi gave her one. One that was, by all accounts, the truth. So that’s why it got said. Now, Brandi attempts to explain all this but he’s talking over her and interrupting her and being totally abusive.

Gosh, a lot like his client Paul was at his party when he got up in a woman’s face and was threatening and abusive and your “classy” mouth stayed shut.

And then…Ken got involved. This was a thing of beauty. Because Mauricio was totally out of line. He was abusive about a situation HIS WIFE started and he was wrong. Please god please, if someone is suing you and their attorney tells you to stop contacting them, STOP CONTACTING THEM. Mauricio needs to shut up with bad legal advice and stick to selling houses to assholes. The last thing Brandi needs is to have harassment added to this lawsuit. She’s a single woman with two kids. Just shut up.

Ken comes to her rescue and tries to be rational, all while making it clear what his stand is. It’s so nice to see someone standing up for Brandi this way. He’s like, look this all started and stuff was said, she tried to apologize for saying it but got more threats and Mauricio kept on, full on abusive to a single woman in the room who was clearly pretty emotionally fragile. It was unconscionable that Kyle sat there at yet another party she organized and went to shit because her friends and husband clearly don’t understand how to act in public. Over something KYLE started. If there is a shit stirring gossip monger in that restaurant, it is Kyle. I hope she got some entertainment from it, because she said nothing. NOTHING while her husband berated someone for something she started.

Disgusting. A real man does not do that. A real human being does not do that. Kudos to Ken for standing up and saying so.

Meanwhile Taylor was um, busily making it about her and weeping. Brandi wanted to leave but she grabbed her and said no stop running. Which was nice. But then she took Camille and Brandi’s hands and started on about staying and facing things because they needed to stick together. And then she went off about Adrienne not backing her up when she wanted to sue Camille and Lisa brought up how no one was mad when Adrienne accused her of selling stories on tv and Mauricio then claimed *that* didn’t matter. Um. Lisa got really pissed about that and pointed out that it mattered to her and it was about integrity.

THen Kim, who started that whole thing at the party tossed out how mean Brandi was to her. Let’s recap that shall we? At the first event Brandi was invited to, Kyle and Kim hid her crutches, talked shit about her in loud whispers and were generally rude and nasty. When pushed into a corner, Brandi fought back and brought up Kim’s behavior that included eleven thousand trips to the bathroom and slurred speech and general intoxicated behavior. THat was of course too far. Not the way they treated her all night like two fading child stars threatened by a younger, prettier woman. No, calling out Kim’s intoxication, which we all know given the whole rest of the season and the trip to rehab, was actually intoxication. So Brandi rightfully says she was incorrect, but not wrong. And yes, it wasn’t meth it was something else, but she was clearly inebriated with something that night. And it came out after she’d been abused by these two (pretty much the pattern since that night, by the way)

Anyway, Brandi drops F bombs and everyone acts shocked. Whatever. I’ll tell you that if some dick like Mauricio acted that way to me, he’d get more than an F bomb. THen again, my friends would never allow such a thing to happen because they’re not animals with money and a television show.

I am fully disgusted with half the cast of that show at this point.