I like it! Honest!

I just got lucky and had the chance to experience a sorta older (Old School Gay BDSM) way to look at this.

Hell, when I got my collar there was no ceremony no um would you wear this… just suddenly a cold feeling around the neck and *click*.

So the best way to characterize my experience was it was intense and different than I experience with other Tops who are more “how can I put this nicely?” (negotiation experts). Oh man, now that will upset someones apple cart I just know it.

I hate games and I love “what I am” and if I do not or do want to wear a certain Top’s collar… well, I think a good Top would know way way way before he did anything like that.

So I think a lot that gets into the overly diagrammed conversations in BDSM romance books destroys the essence of out of control fun of the bottom and the domination of the Top.

So much is simply levels of experience and levels of risk taking and well that intense focus and concentration that occurs when it is done right. That is the draw in BDSM IMHO.

Well, for me it is. I am a pig you know.

Definitely the thing that sticks out most to me when I read BDSM writing is what you point out - it’s all external and filled with pointing and words but no real understanding of the depth of emotion between the parties.

I will say though, that it may be geographic or situational but “Safe, Sane and Consensual” are things that do come into D/s discussions in my neck of the woods or at least my neck of the lifestyle.

I did not say or mean to imply “you” were the one doing research Lauren. So I apologize if that is what you felt I meant.

The conversation was about realism in BDSM writing. One of the key things I notice that helps me note if the story was written by someone whom has experience or book knowledge is the amount of time spent on the “safe word” or repeating “Safe, Sane, and Consensual”. Things I never spent that much time on in my scenes or even in training.

If those things are presented to bolster trust that is fine but making them absolutes turns them for me into “buzzwords” and “catch phrases” when the meat for me is the creation of the focus or as Richard put it “emotionally in tune”.

I consider that the core of realistic BDSM.

And, well, Teddy, I find your assumption that it’s just “research” and that a safeword is just a “buzzword” presumptuous. I have a safeword. I rarely use it, I’m pretty high capacity, stubborn and my partner is an excellent top who’s quite attuned to me. But I have it and if I need to use it, I can.

I was taught physical signals which is actually the old way to do it and far more safer but only after practice and experience with the Top involved. They are more subtle and also the reason I do not play very much with strange Tops because they have to pick up on them.

John used to be there whenever I was on loan to another Top for that reason.

Those are the traps in the research though, a lot of buzz words and catch phrases, which are not exactly how things are really done.

The half in and half out (Player) approach will uncover a boat load of issues due to the reader not being able to see trust or any type of character development that provides that atmosphere where any intelligent person would chance this type of relationship.

I think at least a writer making sure to research what you have your characters do is the bare minimum for creating anything believable. If they cannot even stomach doing that then leave BDSM to someone else to write.

Thank you, Rhian.