Ah the holidays. Times spent in interminable dinners split between divorced and bitter parents, with in laws who hate you and with insane older relatives who are fond of spouting off with the most racist stuff you’ve ever heard.
In times like that, it’s best to get your snark on (and drink copious amounts to ease the pain of the day). But comedian Paul Scheer had a request on his blog to ask people top send him in the “Most Ridiculous, Racist, or Obscure Thing That a Member of Your Family said Said at the Dinner Table on thanksgiving.”
I must post some of them here because it’s one of those schaudenfraude things where suddenly, I’m thankful for my own moderately bizarre family.
“And P.S. there was no such thing as slavery! The blacks came here for the free welfare!”
-Scary Old Relative as she’s leaving our house.
Aunt Sharon: “You can hardly find any of those Billy the Big Mouth Bass anymore. You really have to search.”
“I haven’t taken a shit in 2 weeks”
-My Aunt, who is mentally challenged (seriously) and from what I can gather in some pain.
“Well, at least they have jobs.”
– My Dad during a discussion on Child Labor and The Gap
-My Drunk Sister (When Trying to Remember What Holiday it Was)
“If given the choice, would rather have their 20% Wal-Mart discount than health benefits”
“Only a Muslim would have a store open on Thanksgiving. Those people have no religion.”
“If you lose one more chin, you’ll be lovable.”
-My Mother [After I Lost 35 pounds]
“I’ve never heard of a woman having a large enough vagina she could shove one of those cellular telephones in it, have you??”
“This turkey is too dry, I need more gravy … or more vodka.”
[Mom driving us home after Thanksgiving]
Mom: I can’t see anything. Why is it so dark out? Can anyone else see the road?? I can’t see a goddamn thing! Oh I’m wearing sunglasses.